Springing Back to Life

Hello. We apologize for our long absence. Crazy to think that it has been a whole week since we last blogged. Somehow time is both standing still and moving too fast for us to keep up. Today though this freakish ripple in time really worked to our advantage and time actually seemed to purposely stand still in order to allow Ben to take a giant leap forward. Just as Ben was starting to find it harder and harder to make peace with his non-responsive arm and hand, when fear was starting to replace hope for him, his arm sprung to life in a very real way.

One of the toughest struggles Ben has been facing this past week or so has been trusting that his arm would improve. His leg has been getting consistently stronger and more controlled. Indeed, his standing is getting more and more balanced, his walking steadier, and his therapist even had him balancing on his knees today reaching far-far to the left with his whole body (a huge feat in balance and strength) but his arm and hand have remained stubbornly immobile. Though there has always been slight movement in his arm, it has been inconsistent and sometimes even imperceivable. Of course, everyone from his schmutz of a doctor to the nurses on the ward have been asking him ‘how’s your hand, show me what you can do, hold this pen’ (we will get to Malaysian insensitivity in a bit), making Ben feel as if he should be healed by now or something. Needless to say, Ben was getting a bit demoralized and his relationship with his arm and hand was on the rocks. I could just hear him thinking ‘you stupid hand move or I will kill you, I will cut you off, you’re useless’ as arm exercises became more and more desperate for him. He was losing hope, patience, and track of how far he has come in such a short time. And then today happened.

Now to describe what he did may not bring tears to your eyes the way it did to Ben’s, Cindy’s, and mine (we were like a bunch of overly romantic single women at a wedding or in the audience of a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan film – yes, Ben included) so you’ll have to trust us that it was simply magnificent. It started with Ben lifting his arm from his shoulder out to his side and then pulling it all the way across his body, then letting out a deep breath, giant proud grin and with tears rolling down his face, saying ‘that was awesome, did you see that’. It was awesome, we could not believe it. Then he went to OT and killed it there also making a fist and straightening his fingers (probably the hardest task to accomplish) like it was his job. Then he showed off for his mom when she arrived and again in PT, where he not only wowed his therapist with all the strength in his arm but his legs as well. Seriously, it was a big day for us. Ben must have said this is awesome a dozen times.

The transformation really was huge. Even his appearance was changed. An amazing consequence of the stroke was the immediate loss of all tone in his muscles over night. Not the atrophying of muscles over time due to lack of use but the complete and immediate loss of all tension in every muscle on the left side of the body so that the leg and especially the arm just hung, slack and droopy. His arm even felt lighter and the bone at his shoulder protruded. Yet, today that was all changed. His arm appeared larger and toned. It did not fall from his shoulder but seemed to be solidly held in place by a muscle that appeared absent the day before. It even weighed more. And though his legs were already on the mend, they too appeared more ‘normal’, with more girth and muscle tone. What a crazy thing the body is. To think that the brain has that much power over our muscles and appearance -that we rely on its constant operation just to keep our muscles at what we mistake as at rest. It is stunning.

Like the cause of the stroke, I am sure there is no one reason why today of all days part of his body decided to come back to life. Maybe the swelling went down quite a bit last night, maybe his brain and arm just finally got their schedules coordinated, maybe it was the great day he spent with his mother the day before, the breakfast he ate, or maybe it was the pep talk he gave himself this morning before starting the day. Who knows, but it sure is crazy, how so many forces came together to renew Ben’s faith in this whole process.

To add to our excitement and joy we are also leaving the hospital tomorrow – FINALLY. The knowledge of this might have been the most critical factor in Ben’s physical ‘awakening’ today because living in a hospital is really not living at all. We are so excited. Tomorrow we will be living in the lap of luxury, cooking our own celebratory dinner, and sharing a huge king sized bed!!!

Okay, before I sign off, I want to say thanks again to everyone for staying tuned, concerned, and positive for us. Your kind, thoughtful, funny, poignant and heartfelt comments over the past few weeks have kept us going. Ben and I do not doubt for a second that you too played a huge part in what happened today. It is so comforting and AWESOME to know we are not alone in all of this and we are definitely figuring out how to get through this ‘slowly, slowly’ with your help.

Lots of love,
Casey and Ben

Your SV here: Just want to say that I honestly just had the best day of my life! I have never been more hopeful, confident, and happy. I feel like such a weepy woman, I am starting to wonder if they are feeding me steroids or double doses of estrogen!