Malaysians- Masters of the Euphemism

So maybe you have not noticed but I have not written a real post in awhile. There is a reason for this. Basically, our audience has been so quiet lately, I feel a little discouraged. I know that a blog is about us sharing with you so it is a bit greedy of me to expect all of you busy folk to write all the time and holler bravo with every post but I can't help but be sad when so few comment. I mean I thought that post by Ben about beer pong and that utterly disgusting (or delicious) looking photo of the deep fried sausage would have received a few ewws or yums. And my modeling, come on that was ridiculous. I am actually glad no one dared to comment but what about Ben and Asmara, they were worthy of some snickering or maybe not, maybe those pictures were simply dumbfounding. I guess the point is we love to hear from you, all of you, and when we do it makes our day. It is so fun when we receive the unexpected hey (we may blush at first when we realize how many people tune in but we think it is way cool) or the briefest remark about anything. Maybe we should have said that before. Maybe we should have told you that we LOVE your comments. We look forward to your comments and always excitedly tell each other, guess who chimed in today! Call us sad little needy bloggers but it really is a lot more fun having a blog when you all participate.
Okay, I hope I have not lost you with all that whining because my post is an important Malay cultural lesson, one of my favorites actually.

On most things Malay or Malaysian, I am still pretty reticent. I feel like I have not spoken to or spent enough time with Malaysians to reliably understand much about the culture or Malaysians way of doing things (which is a dangerous thing to say in of itself since most people have their own individual way of doings things anyway). So I am definitely not qualified to act as a liason for Malaysia to the West just yet. But I am ready to tell you a bit about what Malaysians say about their own culture and what they don't say about their culture or fail to recognize. Of course, they probably don't recognize it because it is 'natural' for them but for me, the outsider, it is shocking, silly, so completely outside the norm that I must comment.
So let's start with what they say. One of the most commonly spouted characteristics of Malay culture is there indirectness. They are notorious for not saying what they think or feel. Not only do our teachers tell us this regularly, a taxi driver once told Ben that his fare maybe unfair but it is not Malaysian culture to call it ridiculous or outrageous, he should just decline and walk away, otherwise he was being insulting. Even scholars unanomously remark on this failure to speak one's mind for fear of shaming or embarassing the other person. Before I came to Malaysia, every professor I spoke to mentioned this characteristic along with the 'Malaysian promise' (a story for another time) as markers of Malayness. Essentially, it is widely accepted that Malays/Malaysians are not berterus terang (bold, forthright).
However, what the scholars, taxi driver, and Malaysians themselves fail to add is that not being direct does not mean that Malays do not insult one another, express negative opinions, or speak their mind. Now it is true that Malays do not get angry the way we Americans do and they do often express their anger through silence and the universal 'cold shoulder' but they also say an awful lot. In fact, I am often stunned at just how much of their mind they speak. Nothing seems to be off limits. Well, actually maybe lots is off limits but for my Western sensibilities what they often feel free to comment on is well-within my 'off limits' territory. Most notably, appearance.
Malaysians show no restraint when it comes to pointing out any and all of your flaws. If you come to class looking tired, they will make a vocal note of it. If you got your haircut and they don't like it, they will say something along the lines of 'did you do something new with your hair today, I liked the way you wore it yesterday better'. Or 'where did you buy that shirt, it is very prettylah'. 'What is that on your forehead, you need to try cleaning your face more often'. And the most popular, 'it has been a long time since I have seen you, you look fat' or if being polite, they might say instead 'you look increasingly healthy' (which everyone actually knows means you look fat). Needless to say, you need pretty thick skin to live here in Malaysia. My poor friend Elin, a six foot tall well-proportioned Norwegian, is learning this lesson the hard way, as her 9 Malay roomates carry on an incessant dialogue about her weight, diet, the bags under eyes, her thinning hair, and so on and so forth.
It is not just your appearance which they comment on in this way. Your behavior, talents or lack there of, and just about anything are fair game as long as it is not said in an insultingly direct way. I know, I know what is not insulting about the above and what is indirect about 'you look fat'. For the Malaysian, as far as I can demise, it is not what is said but how it is said that determines whether or not someone is being rude or unnice. Basically, if the insult is insinuated or couched in an euphemism than the person is actually being polite. So crazy, right? To say you look 'increasingly healthy' to someone when everyone knows exactly what that means cannot make it sting less, can it? Or to call someone a kaki bangku (a benchwarmer) instead of telling them they suck at soccer, does not change the meaning, you are still saying something unnice.
As for insinuation it is really just sarcasm. Cantiklah (pretty), interestinglah, seronoklah (exciting), so pandai (smart) all said with a particular intonation mean the exact opposite and Malaysians know it. They rely heavily on sarcasm as a means for expressing their negative feelings. Whereas for us sarcasm is the rudest way to get your point across even more insulting than saying something mean directly, for Malays it somehow takes the sting out of the message. It is even a principal way parents discipline their children. So instead of saying 'how many times have I told you not to play near the street, it is dangerous and you will get hurt! Go to your room, you are in big trouble'!. I have been told that a Malaysian mother will say 'oh you want to play near the street, you know best, go, take your toys into the middle of the street, if you are lucky a car might just come flying down the road in your direction.' Note there are no exclamation points in the Malaysian mother's scolding but to my Western ears it sounds so cruel. Even public signs rely on the art of 'insinuation' - 'thank you for not littering in our beautiful park', 'thank you for queueing up and letting other passengers disembark'.
Of course, to Malaysians this is all normal and polite so it is unfair of me to really deem it rude. But it is still crazy and mind boggling for this Westerner. It feels like I am learning to live in a world where the rules are all mixed up, where yes means no, up is down, and pretty could mean pretty or ugly, you just never know. Here, I am a rather rude person. I would never dare comment on a person's appearance or behavior negatively in public or tell a child to climb higher up that tree, it will be their broken leg not mine but I will tell someone their price is unfair or that they hurt my feelings and that makes me the utmost of cruel and insensitive. I am not sure I can ever really embrace something that is in such opposition to the way I instinctively think but I will try not to take too much offense or offend too much. Mostly, I just hope that I will start to get a sense of when Malays are actually saying what they mean, otherwise I will spend the next 12 months cluelessly saying thank you to insults. In this case though, ignorance may really be bliss because my skin is not that thick. StB